A few weeks ago, I wrote âNo News Has (Apparently) Been Good Newsâ regarding The Chapter House. Unfortunately, that good news took a hard right into Bad News territory. Hereâs what I sent out to my GoFundMe donors (more updates to come later);
Where things are at
So... the SBA funder I worked with turned me down for insufficient Ownerâs Equity Injection (OEI). Another way to put it is that, like a mortgage, credible lenders expect a down payment to show borrowers are in it to win it. With business loans, the down payment is the OEI, but there is no VA guarantee for businesses and therefore no exception to this requirement. From what I can gather, lenders DID count my current stock toward my OEI (they didnât have to), equalling about $10,000. But because I am asking for about $225,000 for start up costs, that only got me a little under halfway to $22,500 I needed up front. That was before our water heater burst and caused an unknown amount of damage to a handful of my stockâŚ
Where Iâm at
In the midst of all this, I had the support of some awesome mentors and, in Laura, an amazing partner. Processing this experience had a profound impact on my confidence and made me realize that I am not called to be a retail manager at this time. I want to create community, but as a business owner, my time and energy would go toward administrative stuff. Without a business partner or other highly involved manager, those tasks would take me away from a lot of the work I DO feel called to, including writing, advocacy, education, and generally making a difference in the way military families are treated in our society and in the Church. At some point in the midst of this, I came to a hard truth that had been hiding away in my brain.
With each of my books, Iâve had (what I called) a lack of skill in marketing. I chalked it up to my military service and the mission-first mentality it fostered; âSoldiers are trained that itâs not about them, thatâs why I suck at self-promotion,â I told myself. But somewhere in the last few weeks, it occurred to me that what was really going on was that I was afraid to invite people to follow me. I thought I was unworthy of an audience, a platform, a community. After all, Christians with a large following have been some of the people who have hurt me the most. Becoming like them, trying to become an âinfluencer,â felt wrong in SO many ways.
Whatâs ironic is that Onward, a framework I started working on at The â§ost (and fully intend to keep developing), assumes that someone is standing there shouting âFollow Me!â Francis of Assisi, whom I featured in God is a Grunt and more good news for GIs, based his vocation on the same call, of Christ, in Matthew 16:24 and Mark 8:34: âIf any wish to come after me, let them deny themselves and pick their cross and follow me.â
Military training is great at self-denial, but the other side of that coin is questioning oneâs self-worth. âI am not worthyâ (Matthew 8:8, Luke 7:6) is the same lie CPT Marvel believed about himself, so at least Iâm in good company.
What about the funds?
You may be asking yourself, âWhat about the $1,300 Logan raised?â The way GoFundMe works is that it makes periodic deposits as long as a fundraiser is active. The funds have been automatically sent into an business checking account I use for Pew Pew HQ. Since what I was fundraising for is not likely to come to pass any time soon, I wanted to offer donors the option of having their donations returned, minus the fees taken by GoFundMe. If thatâs something that interests you, send me an email at iamloganmi at Gmail and Iâll make it happen. If, on the other hand, you choose to leave things as they lie, the funds will go toward consolidating and updating my online presence to position myself as a consultant for people and organizations that want to deepen their relationships with military families.
Once again, thank you all for your support. It meant SO MUCH to feel the love from everyone and it breaks my heart that this particular version of my dreams will not come to fruition. But that's life, right? We do everything we can to achieve what we can without holding on too tight to the things we think of as ours. The Chapter House may not be coming to a brick and mortar, but that doesn't mean something else won't. Thank you again for the encouragement.